That drive was the longest 2 blocks of my life.
We arrive to the hospital in record time. This time I didn't get all the things out of the car. The only thing that I carried in with me was my phone, my baby, and the dang oil she wanted. We are all rushed in and up to Labor and Delivery. They got Britt into a room as the rest of us came up the stairs with all of our stuff. There was a waiting room at one end, Britt's room was at the other end.
Who knew this picture of her room + the waiting room would be a vision I would be pressed into my head forever.
Me, mom, Meguell's mom and my toddler all gathered in the waiting room. We were the only ones there. Our plans of my being with her had shifted now that we had to change to come to the hospital. I didn't want to go to the room if they only allowed a certain amount of people. I didn't want to take that from my mom or his mom. But my mom told me "You go! You have always wanted to be at a birth!" I didn't argue, but left my little girl in her care and I quickly went to the room.
At this point, we knew things were serious, but never, in a million years, did we understand how serious: no one did.
I get back to the room with her and Meguell. I was ensuring we had the diffuser going + worship music. It felt silly, honestly, that this was so very important to me to ensure I had it all going how she has asked me. In her previous three births I had been on facetime and had seen how beautiful and calm they were and I was eager to help give that to her with Zion.
But. I couldn't get close to her. I stood at the back of the room with Meguell pacing. I remember roaming around the area and I found a plug by a sink- so I put the diffuser in. It was no where close to her. And then I turned the song Jireh on my phone and put it low. I knew things were not ok, but I just was focused on what I needed to do. Maybe it made me feel like things would be normal if I did. We stood from the back and she was surrounded by a lot of people.
The room felt a little chaotic with nurses, doctors, midwife, us. I was getting SUPER irritated at the nurses because they were working on the computer so hard to get her "registered" in the hospital, they were having computer complications and kept trying over and over and over! It made zero sense to me! I literally wanted to scream at them "HELP HER!! DO THIS LATER!"
I could tell by looking at my sister that things were not ok.
I was trying to take it all in. I stood at the back of the room and watched and listened. These are things I can remember and point out:
- My sister did not look well. At one point they inclined her differently to help her. She was starting to look like she was going to pass out.
- They were struggling finding a heartbeat.
- Her heartbeat kept getting lower as well.
- Her midwife stood by her head, pretty silent, trying to help Brittany.
- Her midwife looked like she was in complete shock. I felt sorry for her.
- It was fast and furious once they realized this was serious.
- Meguell's face scared me. He looked so scared and so concerned.
- Brittany had turned pale.
- I heard the doctor say quietly "there is no heartbeat."
- The doctor touched Brittany's knee and told her she needed to listen to her.
I couldn't hear a ton. But I remember hearing her say they had to focus on Brittany now.
I ran from the room.
Down the short hall. I could not be in there anymore. It was terrifying for me. I looked at my mom and said "you should go in there!" and I immediately started sobbing and said "I can't be in there!"
Mom and Meguell's mom ran!
I sat in the waiting room, 4 months pregnant, holding my Hadasah next to me, and I sobbed.
CLICK HERE to make sure you don't miss any part of the story....next week Country Sister will share her blog about what happened next.