7.13.21 the day I left the hospital empty handed. No baby in my arms. Instead a consolation prize, a stuffed animal meant to give me something to hold onto since life had been taken from me, from us.
My poor husband had to push his grieving wife out of the hospital in a wheel chair. Usually this is the same exit a mother who just gave birth would get. But instead of wet eyes, and miserable faces, there would be joy, maybe a vase of flowers, a sign celebration, of life. There would be a cart overflowing with baby gear that the mother barely used for her hospital stay. Most importantly though, someone would get the honor of carrying the baby out of the hospital, strapped safely in their car seat. The seat that had been checked over by nurses to ensure the baby would be kept safe from the outside world on the treacherous drive home.
Who knew that it was in the womb that could cause harm to my perfectly formed, perfectly grown, 8lbs 10oz baby boy.
We were naïve.
We had no clue that this could happen.
This was baby number 4 after all.
We had done this, and it had been beautiful. Hard, painful? Yes. But oh so worth it. And even through the pain of 3 unmedicated births, every time it ended in glory! The glory of God filling the earth through a perfect, healthy, prayed for baby. A gift to us from heaven. A sign that for some reason God trusted us with this precious soul. To raise and to guide, to navigate this world for his glory. Wow, birth is amazing. A true gift.
But what about when the outcome isn't what you thought.
The outcome is nothing like you could imagine, actually, it's unimaginable. No one in their right mind wants to allow their thoughts to go to this.
This....the loss of a child. The ripping away of a life, right before it should enter the world.
Your gift is stollen right out of your arms, or in my case, my womb.
In the words of Natalie Grant, which I sang with passion as a teenager, worshipping God, and it wasn't until 2021, after losing my own child did I truly understand the words:
"To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling."
It truly is appalling, to think that this could happen to us.
That this was now our life. Grieving parents to a dead baby.
Baby #4, Zion Malachi Suell, we were ready for you.
Even the morning I went into Labor, it was a Saturday, and I looked at my sister, and we both said, "Shabbat Shalom! It's A Great Day To Have A Baby!"
Neither of us knew this would be the journey of the next several hours.
Or that 3 days later I would be writing these words in my journal, as I sat broken, bruised, ripped apart and put back together quite literally, empty, and wondering how it would be possible to leave the hospital without my son.
Journal entry 07.13.21